Every single argument you have ever had was driven by a desire to resolve internal tension.
Despite what you may believe, arguments have nothing to do with the other person or with circumstances.
You are equipped with both an extraordinary, infinite consciousness and a limited, contracted wounded inner child. This wounded inner child has a number of core self-limiting beliefs. They may include any of the following:
- I’m not lovable
- I can’t trust
- I’m powerless
- I’m not important/ I don’t matter
- There’s a way things/others have to be
- There is a right way
- I have to be perfect
- I don’t belong
- I’m going to be rejected
- I’m bad
There are probably a few more, but those will do for now!
These beliefs hang out in your unconscious mind – most of the time you are not aware of them. They create tension. Imagine believing you are powerless … how do you feel? Imagine believing you are unlovable … how does that feel?
The tension generated by these unconscious beliefs is screaming out to be resolved. For example, I have an unconscious belief that I am unlovable. It formed in childhood and probably began at my birth when I was taken from my unconscious mother and placed in a nursery. I wasn’t held for some time and only began spending time with my mother once she had recovered, when I was around 3 days old. As an infant in a nursery, having been through a traumatic birth, alone, unnourished and away from my mother, I experienced pain and made-up my own reason for this: I must be unlovable.
Subsequent childhood events cemented this belief for me, despite the fact that I was much loved by my parents (and still am!). Self-limiting beliefs are neither logical nor rational.
In my relationship, there are certain things that trigger my unlovable belief. If my partner is going away for a couple of days, I plunge (unconsciously) into the belief, like diving into a deep well of pain. I am not aware of it, I just feel an underlying tension. Then I become tempted to test to see if I am loved. This happens in a few ways: trying to solicit attention, becoming hypervigilant about how affectionate my partner is etc. Usually my behaviour results in an incident where it appears to me as though I am definitely unlovable!
All this is a total waste of time and energy, but I’m a human being and lapsing into these behaviours is inevitable unless you’re a yogi!
It all begins with the tension I experience. Tension demands to be resolved. That’s how fights start, that’s how arguing with a partner begins – tension. Something triggers one of your beliefs, you experience tension. You unconsciously begin to search for a way to resolve that tension.
Here’s another example: say your partner receives a text message from a woman/man, a name you don’t know. If you have a trust belief, this will trigger tension. You probably won’t notice to begin with, but you might ask your partner – who is this? Their answer won’t resolve the tension (unless it’s a family member).
So then you may find yourself looking through your partner’s inbox when he/she is in the shower. Eventually you may voice your suspicions. Your innocent partner may become annoyed. You experience more tension. The argument may escalate. Your partner will perhaps say some nasty things. More tension in you. If the situation escalates far enough, you can guarantee that the partner will prove to you that they can’t be trusted. Use your imagination on this.
What to do about all of this …
The most powerful, liberating and extraordinary action you can take is NOTHING! Do not act on your tension. Acknowledge your tension and do NOTHING!
Then ask yourself, ask your heart: what would I truly love right now?
Take action towards what you would love. When you act on what you would love, you send a powerful message to your infinite consciousness about what matters to you. This one simple step will transform your life.
Sometimes the tension will increase and it may get to the point where you believe you will go completely off your head if you don’t do something about it. This is Peak Tension. Take no action especially when the tension hits its peak. Beyond peak tension is a world you may never have been in before and it’s wonderful!
Want to learn more? Order your copy of The Relationship Revelation – It’s All You.
The Relationship Revelation 