Free webinar: How to Create Relationship Bliss!

What if you could just create the relationship of your dreams? Discover practical tools to do that in this free webinar.

These online seminars are fun, insightful and experiential and totally free. For about one hour of your time, you will receive handy tools to deal with relationship problems PLUS a great insight into what you would truly love from your relationship.

This is not one of those pre-recorded webinars where you just sit and listen. It’s live! There are plenty of opportunities to interact, share what you’re discovering and ask Pollyanna your questions.

The next webinar is on: Friday 9 March, 9am AEDST (convert to your timezone).

Register now at: https://www4.gotomeeting.com/register/179961727

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Xmas Relationship Advice – 4 Simple Steps You Can Take to Have a Merry Xmas

Xmas Relationship Meltdown Recipe: The credit cards are maxed out, mother is fussing about burning the roast, father isn’t getting along with your partner, the kids have gone crazy from all the excitement and sugary treats, you’re uptight and your relationship is strained to say the least.

That’s one common Xmas scenario. It’s a time of year when expectations and emotions run high and relationships often flounder.  Everyone is busy and the pressure is on to get along with relatives you rarely see and family members you find difficult to deal with. Problems with in-laws in particular, can bring your relationship with your partner to breaking point.

So what to do? How about an easy process to run yourself through that will lead you out of conflict and into joy. Here are four simple yet powerful steps that you can take to give yourself and everyone around you a Merry Xmas:

1. It’s All You – Find Out What’s Going On For You

When conflict arises (whether internal or external), find five minutes to take yourself to a quiet place (a bedroom, the toilet if you’re out, etc) and ask yourself these questions:

a) What are you thinking about the situation/person? What are the thoughts you are having? (imagine observing your thoughts)

b) What feelings do you have about the situation/person? What emotions are you experiencing? (imagine observing your emotions)

c) How are you defining yourself in this situation? What are you? Be honest in your response.

c) What action(s) are these thoughts and feelings telling you to take? (ie. if you believe that the thoughts and emotions are informing you of the truth of the situation, what do you want to do about it?)

2. Them – How Are You Defining the Other?

Ask yourself: how am I defining the other person(s)? What are they?

You may want to edit your response to this question, but let it out uncensored! If you want to say that Great Aunty Ethel is a whining old cow with no manners, then say it. Censoring your responses will hold you in the conflict. Be totally open with yourself, you are the only one who will know how you’ve responded to the question.

The more honest you can be with yourself, the easier it will be to step out of the conflict situation and into a Merry Xmas.

3. Acknowledge the Truth

Here’s the tough bit – none of your responses to questions 1 and 2 relate to truth or reality. They are completely made-up, in your consciousness as a response to your underlying beliefs and wounding (more on this here). If you want to have a good time this Xmas, you need to accept this.

Your thoughts and emotions in this situation are driving you to act in certain ways that will generally lead to more trouble and less fun.

Your definitions of others (including your partner, no matter how well you think you know him/her) are restricting your ability and willingness to enjoy your life and the people around you.

Imagine packaging up your thoughts, feelings, definitions of yourself, definitions of others and actions you want to take in a box. Picture yourself free of those thoughts, feelings and definitions.

Rest here in this place of innocence.

4. What Would You Love?

From this place of innocence in yourself, ask your heart, your higher self, your soul, the greater you (whichever phrasing your prefer): What would I love to experience this Xmas?

Write down your answer if you can. Is it warmth, family, connection, great food, fun, surfing? Whatever your response is, just accept it, even if it seems unrelated to Xmas or the conflict you were in.

Now take obvious action on what you would love – what can you do that will bring you closer to what you would love?

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It’s that easy! The process above will powerfully lift you out of the conflict and shift your focus to what you would love. When you take action on what you would love, you will create a completely different reality for yourself, one that will surprise and delight you.

If the same conflict comes up again, do the process again – it’s quick, it’s easy and it’s liberating.

Merry Xmas!

If you want to permanently liberate yourself from relationship conflict and enjoy a relationship that makes your heart sing all year round, get yourself a copy of my book The Relationship Revelation.

Empowering Action for More Lovin’

Do you want to bring more love, sensuality, passion, companionship, intimacy and romance into your life? Taking the time to notice what you’re focused on is a very powerful and empowering technique for revving up your love life.

You create your relationship reality through your focus. You can focus on the wounds of your limited self, or the infinite possibilities of your greater creative being. You are also creating your relationship through the actions you take. These actions are driven by your focus.

For example, if you believe your partner is cheating on you, you  might check their phone (that’s an action) or ‘have it out’ with them (another action). If you are in a loving mood, you might caress your partner’s face or buy them a gift, both actions.

Focus generates emotion, which in turn generates action.

An insidious and uncreative habit that people get into in relationships is focusing on ‘out there’ – partner, family, work colleagues etc. In a relationship, this looks like lots of thoughts about your partner, how he/she is, what he/she is doing, how he/she is interacting with you. These thoughts may be accompanied by feelings of anxiety, worry, frustration or anger. Your enjoyment of your relationship is directly related to how much time you spend focused on your partner! Less is good!!!

The most empowering action you can take if you find yourself obsessing over your partner’s actions, words, habits, patterns or anything else is this:

Bring your focus back to yourself. Bring your attention to your heart centre or to your breath and breathe deeply.

Ask yourself: what is this really about for me? What belief am I focused on that is generating these thoughts and emotions?

Acknowledge what’s really going on for you. (If you are still tempted to put your focus on your partner, you are on the wrong track, always bring it back to you – what are you feeling, what belief are you focused on).

Breathe into your heart centre again until you feel calmer and more balanced (this might only take 30 seconds or it may take a few minutes).

Imagine letting go of all need to know the answer and ask yourself: what would I love right now? Take action on that, however strange or unrelated it may seem at the time.

Breaking a habit takes commitment and focusing on your partner is a habit like any other. If you commit to noticing your thoughts and feelings, and refocusing on what you would love, you will rapidly change your relationship reality.

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Relationship Tips for Tuesday!

What would you love to create in your relationship? Pollyanna talks to Noosa Community Radio.

http://www.noosacommunityradio.org/create-the-relationship-of-your-dreams/

Creative Soul Cafe Competition

This is your chance to win a free 30 minute intuitive phone session with Pollyanna, author of The Relationship Revelation.

Listen to Pollyanna on Creative Soul Cafe with Melody Green and leave your answer to the competition question in the comments section below. Remember, be creative, be witty, be inspired, free your inner romantic poet!!

Entries close Tues 1 November, 9am (GMT+11). Entries will be judged by Pollyanna and partner. Judges decision is entirely subjective and final!!

Haven’t heard the interview? Listen to it HERE.

Go for it, you’ve got nothing to lose!

After an Argument – It Means Nothing!

Following on from the previous post about how to end arguments in your relationships, what happens if you lapse into your limited self (so easy to do) and have a humdinger of a fight? Should you apologise, talk it out, go to counselling, what’s the best approach?

First up, you instigated the argument (either deliberately or unconsciously) by your desire to resolve the tension of your underlying limiting beliefs. You may need to check out the previous post to get up to speed with this.

If you have tumbled off the perfection podium and find yourself mud-slinging, quarrelling or bickering with your love-mate, don’t worry about it, it doesn’t mean anything terrible.

It’s very tempting however, to attribute meaning to the argument, such as:

  • the relationship is dysfunctional
  • he/she doesn’t love me
  • we should break up
  • we should go to counselling
  • this doesn’t happen in a loving relationship

and many more. These meanings lead to actions, such as endlessly discussing the argument to try to reach a compromise, or calling up the relationship counselor.

The truth is that arguing has no intrinsic meaning, nix, nada, NOTHING! It’s merely your attempt to resolve internal tension, that’s all. It doesn’t mean anything about the relationship, you or the other person. If you choose to give a definition and meaning to your argument, that’s up to you. Humans are utterly addicted to assigning mean to what takes place in our lives.

Personally, I’m addicted to the belief that arguing means that I must be unlovable and am about to be rejected. Despite the discomfort of these thoughts and feelings, somewhere in my consciousness I’m loving it! This sounds totally irrational, but once I’ve had an argument and am feeling hurt, I’ve proved the ‘truth’ of my unconscious belief that I’m unlovable and the tension is gone. We humans are strange creatures!

Everyone has addictions to limiting beliefs, negative emotions and destructive thought patterns. These addictions lead to the same old, same old scenarios in relationships.

So if arguing means nothing, what do you do afterwards?

Contrary to most advice, you don’t need to apologise and nor does the other person, even if you or your partner have made outrageous statements. You don’t need to rush down to the marriage counsellor to talk it out. Both these activities are tension resolving. So, by the way, is lovemaking after a fight: it’s a way to try to feel better about the thought that perhaps the relationship is no longer ok.

Happily, armed with some self-awareness and knowledge of what you would truly love to create in your relationship, you can take a path after arguing that will serve not only your highest good, but also that of anyone else involved.

These simple steps will lead to more of what you would love in your relationship:

  • Ask yourself: what underlying limiting belief was I trying to resolve in this argument? If you ask yourself the question, the answer will show up, but you need to be willing to hear it.
  • Acknowledge the belief. You do this by saying to yourself: ah, this slanging match was really driven by my “insert belief here” belief.
  • Resist any urge to make yourself or the other person wrong.
  • Imaginatively step away from the belief and the thoughts and emotions that accompany it.
  • Take a few deep breaths and ask yourself this question: what would I love right now? The answer could be anything at all, it might be to cuddle your partner, have a bath, or even take a train to the nearest city and go out dancing!
  • Take action towards what you would love.

Give no meaning to the fight/argument other than this: it is merely your attempt to resolve the tension that arises from your unconscious limiting beliefs. Keep your focus on what you would truly love. If you practice this regularly, you will not only discover more about yourself, but you will find yourself in a world where more of what you love surrounds you.

Like to find out more about creating a relationship that you LOVE? Order your copy of The Relationship Revelation here.

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Resolving Tension – How to End Fighting (most of the time)!

Every single argument you have ever had was  driven by a desire to resolve internal tension.

Despite what you may believe, arguments have nothing to do with the other person or with circumstances.

You are equipped with both an extraordinary, infinite consciousness and a limited, contracted wounded inner child. This wounded inner child has a number of core self-limiting beliefs. They may include any of the following:

  • I’m not lovable
  • I can’t trust
  • I’m powerless
  • I’m not important/ I don’t matter
  • There’s a way things/others have to be
  • There is a right way
  • I have to be perfect
  • I don’t belong
  • I’m going to be rejected
  • I’m bad

There are probably a few more, but those will do for now!

These beliefs hang out in your unconscious mind – most of the time you are not aware of them. They create tension. Imagine believing you are powerless … how do you feel? Imagine believing you are unlovable … how does that feel?

The tension generated by these unconscious beliefs is screaming out to be resolved. For example, I have an unconscious belief that I am unlovable. It formed in childhood and probably began at my birth when I was taken from my unconscious mother and placed in a nursery. I wasn’t held for some time and only began spending time with my mother once she had recovered, when I was around 3 days old. As an infant in a nursery, having been through a traumatic birth, alone, unnourished and away from my mother, I experienced pain and made-up my own reason for this: I must be unlovable.

Subsequent childhood events cemented this belief for me, despite the fact that I was much loved by my parents (and still am!).  Self-limiting beliefs are neither logical nor rational.

In my relationship, there are certain things that trigger my unlovable belief. If my partner is going away for a couple of days, I plunge (unconsciously) into the belief, like diving into a deep well of pain. I am not aware of it, I just feel an underlying tension. Then I become tempted to test to see if I am loved. This happens in a few ways: trying to solicit attention, becoming hypervigilant about how affectionate my partner is etc. Usually my behaviour results in an incident where it appears to me as though I am definitely unlovable!

All this is a total waste of time and energy, but I’m a human being and lapsing into these behaviours is inevitable unless you’re a yogi!

It all begins with the tension I experience. Tension demands to be resolved. That’s how fights start, that’s how arguing with a partner begins – tension. Something triggers one of your beliefs, you experience tension. You unconsciously begin to search for a way to resolve that tension.

Here’s another example: say your partner receives a text message from a woman/man, a name you don’t know. If you have a trust belief, this will trigger tension. You probably won’t notice to begin with, but you might ask your partner – who is this? Their answer won’t resolve the tension (unless it’s a family member).

So then you may find yourself looking through your partner’s inbox when he/she is in the shower. Eventually you may voice your suspicions. Your innocent partner may become annoyed. You experience more tension. The argument may escalate. Your partner will perhaps say some nasty things. More tension in you. If the situation escalates far enough, you can guarantee that the partner will prove to you that they can’t be trusted. Use your imagination on this.

What to do about all of this …

The most powerful, liberating and extraordinary action you can take is NOTHING! Do not act on your tension. Acknowledge your tension and do NOTHING!

Then ask yourself, ask your heart: what would I truly love right now?

Take action towards what you would love. When you act on what you would love, you send a powerful message to your infinite consciousness about what matters to you. This one simple step will transform your life.

Sometimes the tension will increase and it may get to the point where you believe you will go completely off your head if you don’t do something about it. This is Peak Tension. Take no action especially when the tension hits its peak. Beyond peak tension is a world you may never have been in before and it’s wonderful!

Want to learn more? Order your copy of The Relationship Revelation – It’s All You.